How to Help Your Hurting Teen
As a teen and family coach who has worked with thousands of teen, I often hear parents talk about how much their teen is hurting emotionally. In today’s unpredictable world, encountering hurt is as inevitable as paying taxes. It’s even more so for your teen. Add intense peer pressure, a friend’s betrayal, derogatory comments on social media, the cultural rearranging of values and family structure, and it’s no wonder teens face significant trauma.
No parent likes to see her children in pain. When your teen is hurting, you can follow these three principles to help them work through the hurt and develop strength and resilience.
Acknowledge The Pain
Ignoring a hurt doesn’t make it disappear. But you can comfort your teen by saying, “I know you’re hurting. If that happened to me, I’d be hurting, too.” That speaks volumes to your teen about your support. Don’t compare their pain to any of your pain… past or present. Don’t tell them to “let it go.” Don’t talk on and on about the situation at hand with sage advice or anything else. Just listen, validate and support.
Listen Without Judgement
Emotions are not right or wrong. They’re simply what your hurting teen feels. If you want them to talk, sometimes the best thing to say is nothing. Stop yourself from telling them what to feel and what not to feel. Don’t tell them why they shouldn’t be feeling the way they do. Just accept them right where they are and remember that they are teenagers… most things are a big deal to them! They will mature emotionally as they grow up and they deserve the time and space to do that without judgement.
Strategize How to Handle the Situation Together
Don’t rush in to fix the problem! Rather than solving the problem for your teen, encourage him to strategize a path to healing.
Helping your teen brainstorm his next move will make him more resilient in the future. On the other hand, rescuing your teen from emotional hurt weakens them and promotes a victim mentality. Yes, there are times when he should get an adult involved. But most of the time, them staying in the fight and proactively problem-solving will help them stand strong in life’s storms that we know are sure to come.
When your teen has followed through on their plan, cheer the effort: “What happened to you was really tough. But you were strong and rose above the situation.”
Your belief in your child means more than you will ever know.
I understand that this sounds simple but it’s not easy. I am always here to help. Don’t hesitate to reach out if you have questions! Give us a call at (562) 537-2947.
Written by Lisa Smith