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How to Encourage Empowerment vs Entitlement

Thousands of families and kids later I have become able to identify the fine line between an empowered child and an entitled one.  You want your kids to feel empowered. You tell them to speak up, be assertive and reach for their dreams. But what happens when you give your kids too much power? They become entitled which is quite different than empowered. An empowered kid has a strong sense of self, ambitions, dreams and direction.  An entitled kid is bossy, demanding, dependent and usually not enjoyable to be around.  Here’s how to build empowerment without crossing the line in to entitlement.

1.  Give your kids what they need, not everything they want.

Showering gifts on your kids may feel good to you, but children develop an unhealthy sense of entitlement when there are no limits on their wants. Free stuff is okay now and then, but too much free stuff always backfires. And I do mean always.  The more kids are given, the less they appreciate, and the more they demand. When it comes to gifts and rewards, moderation is best. A few meaningful items have more meaning than an endless bounty of plenty.

2. Never let your kids diss you.  

I am routinely shocked by the way children speak to their parents. And that’s saying a lot since I’ve worked with thousands of families!  I see children yell, curse and even hit their parents. Nothing destroys the peace of a household more than parents who let their kids get away with such shenanigans. No kid wants a parent he or she can push around. Kids who talk down to their parents suffer from low self-esteem, poor peer relations, depression and a lack of structure and parameters. So if your kid disses you regularly, don’t be wishy-washy. Put a stop to it. Be firm about behaviors that are unacceptable and strive to create a culture of mutual respect in your family.

3. Don’t be a “Fix Everything Parent”.  

Fix Everything Parents are the hardworking superheroes of parenting, willing to do anything for their child in a heartbeat. However, they have a terrible habit of swooping in and saving their kids from frustrating situations. By doing so, they keep their kids dependent, rob them of growth opportunities and create gaps in their emotional development. Kids with Fix Everything Parents don’t think twice about bossing or manipulating them. It’s better to teach your kids how to work through frustration and come up with their own solutions. Don’t save the day! Remember, frustration is the fossil fuel that drives maturity. Helping your kids work through frustration is far more empowering than saving them from it.


4. Don’t be afraid to be unpopular.  In fact, be ready for it!  

Being a good parent requires making unpopular decisions now and then. If you surrender to temper tantrums or avoid conflicts to purchase peace, you’re setting the stage for bigger problems in the future by teaching your kids that negative behaviors get them what they want—and that’s the last message that you want to send. Grow a backbone, don’t be afraid to be unpopular. Model empowerment.  In the end, your kids will appreciate and respect you more for it.

5.  Fortify your leadership. 
Put an end to your kids ruling the roost before it begins. Foster an environment of mutual respect in your family and empower your kids with healthy habits that will last them a lifetime.

I understand that this sounds simple but it’s not easy.  I am always here to help.  Don’t hesitate to reach out if you have questions!  Give us a call at (562) 537-2947.  

Written by Lisa Smith


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Helping Your Kids Set Boundaries

The things is, in a world that is ever encroaching on boundaries… physically, mentally, emotionally and even logistically we must teach and model boundaries to our kids.  It’s important because “every one of us must learn to self-advocate as part of our independent process. Our moms and dads won’t always be there to take care of us.  A parent’s job is to equip kids with coping skills to self-advocate,” said Walfish, also author of the book The Self-Aware Parent. 

Below, are some ideas Walfish shared about how parents can help their kids set boundaries… along with my own commentary.

Get clear on your own boundaries.

Work on setting your own boundaries with your kids and do it appropriately. This affects their behavior and models the right way to create their boundaries for themselves.

Identifying your boundaries and conveying them in a firm, non-negotiable but calm manner gives your children a healthy behavior to emulate. 

Help them honor themselves.

For instance, if you have a shy child, avoid pressuring them to talk to others — which will make them embarrassed and self-conscious and maybe shame the child.

Instead, in an empathic tone of voice say, “You know, I think you’re the kind of person who likes to take time and warm up to someone before you feel comfortable talking, and that’s fine.”

This way, you’re helping your child define a boundary. You’re helping them figure out what works for them and what doesn’t — and to honor that.

Talk about it.

Teach your kids about what it means to be a good friend, and how to deal with bullying or exclusion from the schoolyard. “If kids say, ‘you can’t play with us,’ teach your kids to say ‘you’re not being a good friend.”

Help them understand that kids who reject them aren’t nice kids — and who wants to hang out with mean kids anyway? Many of us pursue those who reject us, and that’s the wrong pursuit.  Be sure to talk to your child on their level, depending on age.  Don’t talk to a toddler like you would a teen and vice versa.

Role-play.

Ask your kids to play what-if scenarios.  I do this all the time in sessions with clients and it can be a great way to solidify a good behavior and valuable skills.  Ask them what they might say in certain situations. Avoid feeding them the answers, because this facilitates dependency and a tendency to always be looking to you for the answer. And it’s key to praise every increment toward your child’s autonomy.

It is also helpful to give your kids several key phrases they can use to self-advocate, and to teach them to use their words, not their hands.

Remember, boundaries are not necessarily barriers.  They are parameters to protect ourselves and our relationships.  Teach your children from the youngest age possible what this looks like and how to establish and maintain boundaries in a healthy and respectful way.

We understand that this sounds simple but it’s not easy.  We are always here to help.  Don’t hesitate to reach out if you have questions for us!  Give us a call at (562) 537-2947.  

Written by Lisa Smith

Helping Your Kids Set Boundaries

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