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Keeping Your Conversation on Track.

Why do our conversations with our partner sometimes end up going sideways? In the end you feel frustrated, like you didn’t get your idea across and that you were not understood. How does this keep happening? I want to give you some suggestions that will help you get a more positive end result. Think of these 5 pillars of communication that should help you stay on track. 

  1. Build on a positive foundation of friendship and partnership: This is something you should always be working on in the relationship. Show appreciation for your partner, share a compliment. This sets a tone of connection and being a team. So when you are ready to share a concern it can be helpful to start with a statement of admiration or respect. Then your partner does not feel under attack but feels like a teammate is coming with a concern. 
  2. Accept influence: Your way is not always the only way or the right way. You and your partner are different people who see the world differently. You need to work within your differences and adapt. So try to understand a different perspective. You might need to look beneath the surface and ask questions to uncover what is behind the concern. Each of you can show vulnerability, this can only be achieved through trust and consideration. 
  3. When sharing your concern identify the pressing issue: It is helpful if you can be clear and keep things short and to the point. You want to avoid overwhelming your partner with too much challenging information that they can’t take in. It is better to keep it simple.    
  4. Talk about yourself: What I mean is that what you know best is how you feel and how this is affecting you. So share that. How could you be contributing to this problem? What is your responsibility? It might be helpful to talk about your fears and what is important to you and why.
  5. What is your goal: What is your hope that the future will look like? What are the changes you are looking for and how will this change make you feel? Then you can make some suggestions for how you think you can implement these changes. Make your suggestions and then ask “Does that work for you ?”

So many times we do the opposite of this and the result is we get off track. We start out with words that feel like an attack, we blame and criticize our partner. Then we state what needs to be done without being open to any other ideas. We talk about everything that is bothering us instead of keeping it simple and clear. We talk about what the other persons’ mistakes are and what we believe their thoughts and motives are and lastly we are unclear of what exactly we want to achieve. This is very confusing. I hope you can think about some of these suggestions and keep your conversations on track so you can work together as a partnership.

If you need any help, just call me at 562-260-4796

Written by Lisa Strong

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Relationship Teamwork for 2021

We have finally come to the end of 2020 and are now facing a new year, 2021, and we all hope for a better year. I realize that we each have had different experiences in 2020. Some of us have struggled with unemployment or business losses and these are serious concerns. But I can not help with finding employment or helping to manage your business or finances.  What I can speak to though are relationships and you may be experiencing some stress and tension with your partner. That tense relationship needs to change because being in a healthy supportive relationship can help carry you through some of these other trials.

How can you create that healthy supportive relationship? It is important to communicate in a way that is honest, respectful, and open to input. It is working as a team. It may be helpful to sit down with your partner and reflect of the state of your relationship. What has been working for you and bringing you satisfaction and what had been frustrating or challenging to you. It is best to not point fingers at each other and complain but to make suggestions of what you can do differently to improve the relationship for both of you. When you do this it feels more hopeful and positive. Also it feels like you are working as a team instead of being on opposite sides. If you say things like “ It might be helpful if we…. what do you think?” or “Maybe we could…. what are your thoughts?” In this way you are making suggestions that are specific but also asking for your partners input so it doesn’t sound bossy. 

When you explain your concerns it is also helpful to say how the current situations makes you feel. Here is an example of how you might bring up a concern without blaming or shaming your partner. You might say, “I noticed that after dinner you go into the other room and work until bedtime, I realize you’re under a lot of pressure at work but I miss our time together. How about if we set aside two nights a week to spend some time together? Would that work for you?” In this example you point out your concern and how you feel, you show understanding of your partner and make a positive suggestion and then ask for their input. 

What you avoid is criticism, sarcasm, comparison to others, complaining with no solution and shaming your partner for their behavior. You are open with your feelings without making your partner feel like they have to come up with a way to fix your problem. You are not making your partner out to be the bad guy but instead you are addressing your concern with a team mentality, choosing to work on the solution together. 

I hope you can make time to check in with each other each day and work together to make the new year one where you can lean on each other for support during any tough and stressful times. I hope you can be your best for each other. 

If you need any help, just call me at 562-260-4796

Written by Lisa Strong

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How to Support Growth and Transition in Your Relationship.

If you have a relationship with a partner that has lasted for years than I expect that you each have grown and changed over that time period. If you met in your 20’s and now you are in your 30’s or beyond than you each are different people in many ways. Relationships are not just two people coming together and that’s it, they are stories of transformation and change and in a healthy relationship you have allowed this to happen and supported each other in it. 

The goal is that each person in the relationship accommodates the growth of the other person. Your partner will change at a different rate and in a different way than you do. They don’t see the world in the same way as you do and they don’t have the same needs but the goal is not to make them like you but to learn from them and support them as they grow. Ask yourself these questions;

  • Do you have a unique and specific way of connecting with your partner and refreshing the relationship when you feel burned out or distant?
  • During the time of connection do you feel safe and supported in your thoughts and beliefs?
  • Do you feel like your partner values and accepts your growth and ideas?
  • Are your life dreams similar and compatible? Or if they are different do you feel supported in yours?
  • When you are working through a struggle do you feel like your partner listens and helps you gain understanding, facing it with you?

One way to support growth is to build into your relationship rituals and behaviors that allow for change to happen. If you are only living parallel lives, and not making the time to connect and share in each others growth then you will eventually grow apart. The rituals that you create in your lives together are important and will keep you connected. 

Possible rituals could be a weekly date night, a shared meal at home or a time before bed to relax and connect after your day. During these times the objective is to learn about each others thoughts and feelings, be supportive and non-judgmental and listening well. It is not a time to correct your partner or fix their problems for them but just a time to find out what is happening with them. This time allows you too gently try to find out what is stressing your partner or making them fearful. Creating a safe space to share their interior world. It is important not to let too much time pass between checking in. 

I encourage you to commit to a ritual that will create space for you both to grow and learn together. Seeking understanding of each others inner world and sharing the growth and transitions together that supports your relationship.

Written by Lisa Strong

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