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How to Survive in an Introvert-Extrovert Relationship.

Can two people who’s needs are very different survive and even thrive in a relationship? Introvert and Extrovert qualities are not about world views, goals or family history, it is not something that we choose but a quality we are born with. So in a relationship it is about what makes a person feel comfortable and satisfied. This is important to remember because you can’t convince an introvert through argument or persuasion that your way is better. Persuasion is not the point. The goal is to understand each other and discover together solutions that can work for each of you.

So I think the first step is to listen well. To find out what each partner needs that will allow them to feel comfortable and not anxious. Not all introverts and extroverts are the same. There are varying degrees of what each person might need so if you can be curious about each other and not be judgmental then that opens the dialogue to gain understanding.

It is helpful to ask specific questions so you can understand what each of you wants. Does the introvert want to avoid all parties and gatherings or is it just very large parties? Is a small dinner party okay? Would they be fine if the extrovert went to the party without them? Does the extrovert want to meet with others after work or is it just on the weekends? Is it enough to just be around other people for example going to a museum or the zoo, or does the extrovert want to interact with others? Asking specifics helps to get clarity. 

Being respectful of each other and what they need is also important. One does not always have to give in to the other. One way is not better or more healthy than the other. No one has to give up their rights, what needs to happen is to find a solution that can be a win-win for both of you. 

Having these challenging conversations can feel awkward and one or both of you may want to avoid the topic but this is only going to lead to resentment and frustration. Avoiding a problem is not the answer so jump in and trust it will be worth it. The reason why many of us avoid talking about difficult topics is because in the past it has not gone well. So learning to listen, be respectful and showing care for the unique needs of each person will lead to a solution. 

If one or both of you continues to refuse to address this topic or is unable to discuss it without judgement, contempt, defensiveness or anger then the problem is not just that you have very different introvert-extrovert needs, it is a relationship issue. When your partner has a need and you can not address it without tension then there are probably other topics that are off limits or result in arguments. So learning to communicate with each other without this tension needs to be addressed. 

In a relationship with an introvert and an extrovert I believe with understanding and care that solutions to specific concerns can be resolved. Being different in this way is not a relationship deal breaker. It is simply a challenge that can be addressed and a solution can be worked out.

Be patient with each other, you are on the same team. If you are struggling, I am always here to help.  Don’t hesitate to reach out if you have questions! 

Give us a call at (562) 537-2947. 

Written by Lisa Strong

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What is Needed to Build a Fulfilling Relationship

I believe that to maintain a healthy relationship it requires you to be intentional about it. I avoid saying that your relationship takes work because that sounds arduous. I want you to enjoy the effort that you put into your relationship. You may ask; “What exactly is needed to build a relationship that brings each of us fulfillment?”

First off, it might be helpful to think of your relationship as a great adventure instead of a task to be worked on, this will create a more willing attitude. It requires us to be curious about each other, be vulnerable with your self and to venture outside your comfort zone. In order for this to happen there needs to be a foundation of trust. You will only be willing to be vulnerable and brave if you feel like you can trust your partner to be kind. 

When a partner shares a thought or concern they hope that they will be heard and will be shown a consideration of what they are sharing. If you are the one listening then you need to avoid judgement, contempt, criticism and anger. The interaction needs to be a positive one or over time the one sharing will avoid this type of openness. When you share a thought you want your partner to value you and you also wants to know that they care about what is happening in their life, your thoughts and your experiences. 

Here is a simple practical step that each of us can incorporate into our day. Start each day knowing something about what your partner’s day will be like. This requires you to take time to talk about each others day, either in the morning or the night before. Know what is stressing your partner or what they might be excited about in their day. Check in with them at some point and ask about that particular concern. The fact that you care enough to ask about some aspect of their day will build in your partner a feeling of being cared for and considered. This will also build a foundation of connection, like the two of you are on each other’s side and supporting each other through each day.

Dr. John Gottman a best selling author and researcher who studies relationships says; 

    “You’re writing your own love story every time you turn toward each other. Every time you offer comfort. Every time you really listen. Each and every time you put your partner’s interests above your own.”

These simple behaviors of showing comfort, listening and considering your partners interests will build the foundation of trust and care that each relationship needs to stay strong. I do recommend that you not think of it as work but it does take energy and a conscious effort. A healthy relationship is worth the investment. 

If you need any guidance or support, you can call us at Save My Family Today, 562-537-2947.

Written by Lisa Strong

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Unspoken Expectations Are The Seeds Of Resentment

With the COVID-19 our lives and daily routines have radically changed. If you are at home with a spouse, partner, family members or friend then it can be a time of tension and frustration if you lack communication. The title of this newsletter, Unspoken Expectations Are The Seeds Of Resentment, is a reminder to speak to your loved one about your expectations, your thoughts, your fears and your needs before you become resentful, angry or frustrated. 

We have experienced a lot of loss in this time, loss of finances, loss of our freedom, loss of community and the loss of feeling safe. How are each of us to manage this? Do not try to handle it on your own without talking to those in your home. We need to manage our day in a way that can bring back a feeling of control and security. We each have our own ideas of how to do this.

Unspoken expectations can be the silent killer of your relationship and your ability to cope with the changes. Do yourself and your loved one a favor: be honest about your expectations and ask yourself if they are realistic.

There is a difference between realistic and unrealistic expectations and the unrealistic expectations, even when spoken will still result in frustrations because they are unlikely to be fulfilled. 

Unrealistic expectations are;

  • Believing that an unverbalized expectation will bring you what you want, this is just  wishful thinking and making a false assumption. 
  • Expecting others to do what is in your interest, but not their interest, is unrealistic. We need to consider our partner. This is not a one sided discussion. After listening to each other you can work out a plan that is acceptable to each person.

How to discuss realistic expectations;
Don’t assume that your expectations are clear. Your partner can not read your mind. so you need to spell it out.

  1. Clearly state, discuss and agree upon the expectations. This involves actively listening and considering each others concerns without judgement. Then collaborating together to establish a plan. 
  2. Adhere to the expectations. There is no benefit if you make an agreement and then do not follow through. This again would result in frustrations. Your plan may need to be altered. For example, you may have decided that the family should all get up at 7:00 AM but after some time you realize this not realistic for your family so you renegotiate the terms of what is expected. That is OK as long as each of you is in agreement. This is all new territory for us so there will need to be modifications to our initial expectations. 
  3. Expecting life to always turn out as planned is guaranteed to lead to disappointment because as we can see today, life does not go as planned. None of us could have foreseen this shelter-in-place scenario or COVID-19 danger. So the disappointment and emotions you feel are understandable. Please continue to share with your love ones those emotions and support each other and working together. 

If you need extra support we at Save My Family Today are available to meet with you via Zoom, an online conferencing website, to give guidance, support and knowledge of how to navigate this uncertain time. It is imperative that you stay not only physically healthy but emotionally and relationally healthy as well. Give us a call at 562-537-2947.

Written by Lisa Strong

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If Your Partner Says There’s a Problem, What Should You Do?

If your partner comes to you with a problem or concern about the relationship, how do you respond? Maybe they are unhappy with you or something you are doing. Does it make you feel under pressure, defensive or frustrated. You can respond in many ways, some more productive than others. The typical fight, flight or freeze response can be seen in relationships but are not healthy choices. If your partner has a problem and wants to discuss it with you they would hope that you would listen to their concern and work with them to find a solution but that is not always the case.

The fight response results in anger, arguments and hurt feelings. This breaks down the emotional connection and the ability to be honest and vulnerable in the relationship. When your partner shares their concern they don’t want to then have to deal with you becoming angry and fighting with them. This only increases your stress level.

The flight response results in a feeling of abandonment. If when your partner shares their concern, you leave the room or slams the door and walks away tyou might feel safe because you have avoided the stress but they feel alone with their problem with no partner to stand with them and solve it together. 

The freeze response usually results in frustration. Again they share their concern which causes stress in you because you don’t want to hear that they are unhappy with you or something that you have done. You  may feel attacked and you don’t know how to respond so you just freeze or listen quietly, maybe even agreeing but in the long run nothing changes. There is not action taken. The problem remains which is frustrating.

There needs to be freedom and safety in your relationship to share a concern. One of the basic relationship needs is compassion which means that if your partner has a problem then you need to be concerned and want to help them. When they share their concern they want to know that you are listening, that you understand and that you are not being judgmental or dismissive. At his moment it is not about you, try to think of how they are feeling and how you can help. 

I know that this is not easy, your own insecurities surface, you want to defend your behavior but dismissing their concern and focusing on your own defense or stress level will not solve the problem. Try not to see it as a battle which involves you on one side and your partner on the other. Instead look at it as both of you on the same side, standing together to battle the thing that is causing the stress. You are united, working together to build a relationship that works for each of you. 

Communicating your concerns in a safe environment, listening to each other and avoiding the fight, flight or freeze response will build a healthy foundation for each of you. It takes practice and if you need help then give me a call at 562-260-4796. I would be happy to support you.

Written by Lisa Strong

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Does You Relationship Feel Like a Competition?

Competition is the American way. Who is the best athlete, student, employee, or even friend? Who is the best? But when it comes to a marriage and relationship with the person you love it should no longer be about competition, in fact the two of you are supposed to be on the same team. You are partners, you are there to support and look after each other. Having each others back. So why does it feel like your partner has become the enemy or you are trying to win in an argument? 

When there is a conflict between the two of you the goal is not to win but to come to a solution that works for both of you. A win/win solution. If it is a win/loose solution then the person who looses ends up feeling resentful or used and after time these feelings will rise to the surface. If it is hard for you to compromise and your Moto is “My way or the highway” then this is a problem. In a healthy relationship you consider your partners views and feelings when you are making a decision. It’s not all about you. 

Trying to outshine you partner is another red flag in the relationship. If your partner does something that results in praise or a reward, the healthy response would be to be happy for them and to congratulate them but if you feel a need to upstage your spouse or minimize their accomplishment then this will result in bitterness. It is important to allow your spouse to take the limelight sometimes. Let them have their moment and hold your tongue or join in on the praise. As the spouse you should be their biggest cheerleader. 

Another red flag would be keeping score of who has done what for whom. Bringing up past hurts and mistakes is one way to remind your partner of their shortcomings and moving them down in the score column. In a disagreement this does not help move you on to a solution. You may want to be recognized for your contribution by pointing our all you have done, moving yourself up in the score column, but this sends a message of “I’m doing more than you”. Your goal should not be to make your contribution known instead it should be to focus on working together for a common good. 

It’s important to take notice if there is some competition going on in the marriage. Try to understand some of the underlying reasons for it. One reason someone pushes to be on top and win may be because they are actually insecure and may overcompensate by pushing to be on top. They are afraid to be vulnerable and show those insecurities. If you notice this in your spouse then talk to your spouse about what you are noticing and try to find ways to work together as a team rather than trying to step on one another to get ahead.

Written by Lisa Strong


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4 Habits to Support a Healthy Relationship

Do you ever feel like relationships are hard?  Sometimes it can feel like there’s one thing after another that causes tension or gets in the way of the connection we are looking for with the other person.  

Creating and maintaining a healthy relationship does take effort. I understand that you as an individual have pressures put on you each day and the immediate demands often press in on you and distract you from the fundamental foundational goals of maintaining your relationship. Here are 4 things that will help your relationship to stay strong.

  1. Build on the knowledge of your partner. This means make it a priority to check in with your partner, catch up and talk. Know what are their daily habits, likes, dislikes, fears, stresses, joys, worries and hopes. This is something that continually needs to be revisited and this is achieved by communication and asking open ended questions. This is not a time for judgement or criticism it is a time to listen. 
  2. Build your fondness and admiration for your partner. This is the antidote for contempt. If your mind is always focused on the negative your behaviors will follow. It is fundamental that you feel your partner is worthy of being respected and liked. A way to rekindle this fondness and admiration is to scan for qualities and actions that you can appreciate. Let your partner know what you observe and express your appreciation. Refocus your thoughts on the positive.
  1. Turn towards your partner instead of away. There are many times in your relationship when your partner will reach out for support. It may be as simple as them expressing concern about their job or moaning about the laundry. When these things happen do you ignore them or give unsolicited advice or do you show understanding and empathize? Coming to their support shows your partner that you are their teammate and partner in life. Validate their feelings and show you care.
  2. Let your partner influence you. Couples that allow their partner to influence them will have happier relationships. This is when each is willing to share the power. Each person is showing the other respect and honor while listening to their partner’s feelings and opinions and taking those opinions into account. Your partner and you should work together to solve conflict and sharing the power is the first step to compromise and coming up with a win/win solution.  There has to be the feeling that each person has an influence for a compromise to work. 

Being aware of these building blocks and keeping them in the forefront of your mind will help you maintain the health of your relationship. Don’t let the demands of each day distract you from the goal of maintaining your relationship.

We understand that all of this is easier said than done.  It takes practice.  We can help you improve the relationships in your life and gain the tools and skills that will help you achieve  that.
Call us today at 562-537-2947 to find out more about how we can help you.

Written by Lisa Strong

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Is your relationship experiencing the holiday stress?

Is the holiday stress starting to crowd in on you and your spouse? I know that this time of the year brings some unique challenges. So what is so different about this month of December? Here are a few possibilities of what might be causing stress in your home.

  • You are not in agreement over how much should be spent on the holiday.
  • There are still the usual demands at work but now your schedule is extra busy with holiday festivities at school, church or with friends and family. Shopping takes time too. How do you fit it all in?
  • Pressure from family and friends. How can we make everyone happy including the in-laws, extended family, grandparents, kids and friends. Who do we celebrate with?
  • Different expectations, each of you were raised with unique holiday traditions. What do you do now?

These are just a few challenges that come up at this time. When you see your partner starting to stress out, what can you do? Well being quick to give advice is not the answer. According to Dr. Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,

“The cardinal rule when helping your partner de-stress is that understanding must precede advice. You have to let your partner know that you fully understand and empathize with the dilemma before you suggest a solution,”

Usually the responsibility of juggling gift giving and parties falls on the wife. I know this is a stereotype but let’s just go with it for discussion sake. If the husband starts with the advice then it can put the wife on the defense. She needs to know that he understands and agrees with her view before he can tell her what to do. This means being supportive. Give statements that show you get it.

Wives are not the only ones under stress, each of you need to be open to the other when they want to share what is stressing them out. If you see signs of your partners stress then come along side them, show support instead of judgement and let them know that you are a team together. The feeling of being alone in the stress is often what makes it worse.

Also you may need to discuss holiday expectations. Each of you should think about what is important to you. You can write down a few things that are at the top of your list for the holiday season. I don’t mean gifts but what makes the holiday special to you? Do you like to go as a family and pick out a live tree? Do you remember baking cookies or having a special meal? Do you have a family movie night or give gifts to children in need? Once you both share your ideas then work together to decide which you can make happen.

I want you to have the best holiday possible so make your relationship the priority and care for each other. Don’t hesitate to reach out if you need support or have questions for us!  We are always here to help. Give us a call at (562) 537-2947.

Written by Lisa Strong

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How Can You Get Your Relationship Out of the Rut?

How Can You Get Your Relationship Out of the Rut?

Sometimes we get in a rut, we get busy with life and we neglect our relationships. The fact is that a good relationship takes effort to achieve. You have to put some work in to get the results you want. If you are feeling like you are in a rut it probably means that you don’t know how to get out. Well I see two areas of concern, you and your partner. This may seem obvious but let me explain.

Start by looking at yourself, not at your partner, and thinking about what you need to do. If you don’t feel good about who you are or what you can offer then your partner will sense this. You want to strengthen yourself and this will strengthen your marriage.

Do you need to take better care of yourself or have a more balanced life? If you are grouchy or depressed then you will not make a good partner. Don’t point the finger at your partner, you are ultimately responsible for your own well being. What can you do to improve? Do you need to change jobs, change your schedule or change how you care for yourself? It’s not helpful to be resentful of something and stuff your feelings about it. You may think that is what you are supposed to do in order to keep the peace but I find it is more helpful to talk to your partner and explain how you feel and what you need. Then see if you can come to an arrangement that can be a win/win for each of you.

Taking care of yourself is important because if you don’t feel good about who you are then you will not convey a confidence and inner joy that is attractive to your partner. But maybe you can also change something that you know bothers your partner. Think about what you can do to make your partner happy. Do you continually walk by the kitchen trash when it is full instead of taking it out? If you continually do something that you know bothers them then that is not a way to show you care about them and their feelings. If you know your partner loves it when you make them a cup of coffee in the morning then why don’t you do that? It is a simple thing that can make your partner happy and feel cared for. They will take notice.

So taking care of your own needs can improve your relationship because you will be a happier person and therefore more attractive to your partner but you also need to be concerned about your partners needs and what makes them feel loved. This may seem like a tall order but if you can sit down and talk to your partner about this and they can see you want to improve the relationship so you both can be happier then your partner may want to support this idea.

If you need help with sharing your ideas and concerns with your partner or you need ideas of how to lift yourself out of the rut then give us a call. We would love to support you in improving your relationship.Give us a call at (562) 537-2947.

Written by Lisa Strong

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Is My Relationship Breaking Down?

Is My Relationship Breaking Down?

In the early stages of your relationship each partner is highly attentive, spending a lot of time together sharing interests, talking about concerns, thoughts and feelings as well as showing appreciation for each other. When these things start to disappear couples can feel disconnected and discouraged in the relationship. It starts to feel like things are breaking down.

One sign of a breakdown can be a shift in focus which can happen when one person redirects their attention from the relationship to something else, this can be work, a hobby, friends or another social activity. The two people start to live parallel lives and it may feel like you are becoming roommates and loosing the connection.

Having separate interests can be healthy for a relationship but there also needs to be quality time together. Don’t overreact and shame your partner for branching out to do something new, you want to still support each other, encouraging new interests and ambitions but it is also ok to share that you are feeling alone or that you miss the time together. Don’t wait too long to say something or else resentment builds up and it becomes harder to reconnect. Be proactive and initiate a date night or other time to connect.

A lack of intimate conversations can also feel like a loss of connection. There is a difference between simply talking which is just giving information without the need for a response and intimate conversations which is enjoyed by both persons. An intimate conversations is used to pull the two of you together and learn about each other. There can be a focus of attention on something of mutual interest, or a sharing of feelings and concerns. There is a give and take from each partner and undivided attention with no TV, cell phone or other distraction.

This type of communication brings a connection. You can make an effort to make this happen by simply making time, setting aside the distractions and focusing on each other without judgement. Ask questions about their day, their concerns and interests or what is causing stress. Then come along side and show that you are a team and you are there to support.

The last breakdown I will address here can be a waning of appreciation. Early in a relationship we like to do nice things for each other because they are appreciated and acknowledged but when these loving gestures become expected without acknowledgment they become more of a chore. We all want to hear some gratitude and acknowledgement for what we do without this we begin to get resentful and irritated with each other.

Take time to show you are thinking of your partner and you appreciate them. This can be done with a text, a simple gift or note, stepping up and helping out and lightening your partners load. Doing something that shows you see them and have been listening and that you care.

We are always here to help.  Don’t hesitate to reach out if you have questions for us!  Give us a call at (562) 537-2947.  Also, visit our Facebook page for ongoing resources.
Written by Lisa Strong

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How to Keep the Friendship in Your Marriage.

When couples are dating I often hear them say that they are like best friends.  A friend it is someone you can share your life with in an honest way. You enjoy each other and spend time together. Webster defines friendship as “a state of mutual trust and support between two people”. This is all well and good but once a couple is married and the stresses of life come crashing in, I see couples become more like survivors than friends. Sometime it is unclear if they are even on the same team.

What do we need to do to maintain a friendship? Why does the friendship breakdown?

I mentioned that once married the friendship is swallowed up by the pressures of life, work, children, home and family. We realize that the person we married is very different than we are and handles these stresses differently. This causes us even more stress because there is now conflict about how to handle life stress. So we pull away and start working independently instead of as a team. We don’t know how to work with this person who sees life with a different perspective. One of you may be an organizer and perfectionist while the other is social and fun loving. Each quality has its benefits but they deal with life very differently.

The way to avoid pulling away from each other is to learn to maintain the friendship.

Accept that your partner is different from you. Listen to their ideas and consider an alternative solution. Show respect for the person that they are by learning how they think and supporting them. Loyalty is an important aspect of friendship.

Friendship requires a vulnerability and we are not vulnerable unless we feel safe. If we feel like we will be judged or dismissed then we will not feel safe and supported. One of you may say, “My partner never shares his/her feelings with me”. That may be because they do not feel accepted for who they are or for their ideas and that is what a friend needs to feel. You need to draw your partner in without demands or judgements.

Give of yourself by listening. Friends share themselves, their time, their focus and their support and this shows itself when you truly listen to their ideas.

Remember to have fun together. This mean you may need to lighten up a bit. The stress will remain but it can be minimized by your change of attitude. It may help if we take life a little less seriously. Laugh at yourself and the situation, don’t be so adamant about your opinions and remember to take time to have fun, this can relieve stress.

Don’t let the friendship break down, remember to make it a priority to maintain. A marriage without friendship is more like a business arrangement. Don’t let that happen. If you need help then give us a call at Save My Family Today.

Written by Lisa Strong

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