Posts

How to Listen When Someone You Love is Hurting

When someone you love is hurting and comes to you with their pain, what can you say? You want to make them feel better but you are uncomfortable, you don’t know what to do. Remember these 3 helpful suggestions.

It’s not about you. I am sure that you have heard the analogy that a conversation is like a tennis match. You have to keep the ball going back and forth. This may be true sometimes but I believe that when someone is hurting, they want the ball. What I mean is, it’s not time for you to tell your story. We all do this, we want them to know that we understand what they are going through so we start telling them a story about how we went through something similar. They lost someone, so did you. They have cancer, so did your uncle. They feel depressed, you felt like that when you lost your job. When someone is hurting and opening up to you, let them have the ball.

No judgement. In order for someone to come to you and share their feelings they need to feel like you are a safe place. They don’t want you telling them what they did wrong. If your child comes to you, telling you a story of something that is troubling them don’t lay into them with advice of how they can do better. There will be a time for that but for your advice to be effective they need to feel like you are on their side, have compassion for them, and you understand. When that is established then maybe they will be open to your help.

Keep them talking. It is hard for many people to share their hurts so if they feel like you’re not interested then they will stop sharing. You need to show them that you want to hear what they have to say. Give them your full attention. Don’t look at your phone or away from them. Encourage them to keep sharing by saying things like, “how did that make you feel?” or “tell me more about that”. This will prompt them to keep sharing and help them feel supported.

These three things will allow those you care about to know that you are ready to listen. We all need to be heard, especially when we are hurting. If you can put yourself aside, you opinions aside and your time aside to listen then they will know that you really care about them. It is a gift you can give.

Written by Lisa Strong

/0 Comments/by

Communicate Needs Without Creating Conflict

Are there times when you have something you know you need to talk about with someone but you’re afraid to bring it up because it will probably start a fight? How can you bring it up and approach it without ruining the evening? Here are some suggestions that might increase your odds of success.

What do you want to achieve? Before you approach the other person think about what you want to achieve. The goal is not to always get your way but it can be to come to a solution that will work for both of you. The relationship is more important than getting your way.
Timing is important. Don’t approach your partner right when they walk in after a long day, or when the kids are demanding attention. Wait for a time when outside stresses are minimized.
Start with an affirmation. This helps your partner be less defensive. If you want to talk about your relationship tell him or her something positive you see them doing like “thanks for making me coffee this morning I appreciate your help” Or if it’s about parenting “You really helped me out when you took the kids out this morning so I could sleep in, your a good mom/dad.
Be specific and state the facts. Now you approach the topic, being specific increases clarity, “I see that you made plans without talking to me” or “I noticed you are staying late at work several nights in a row”
State how it makes you feel. This puts the focus on your emotions, “I feel left out and not considered when you don’t talk to me first before making plans” or “When you don’t come home I feel like work has become a priority and not me, that hurts”
Don’t bring up the past. Stay on topic. 
Don’t exaggerate. Saying “you always” or “you never” causes defensiveness.
State what you need. This allows your partner to know how to solve the problem with you. “I need you to clear plans that involve us both with me before committing” or “I need you home for dinner at least 3 times a week”
Admit your mistakes. When you own up to something it puts the other person in a non-defensive position. 

This style of communication opens the conversation in a clear and non-threatening way. This does not mean your partner will always agree and give you what you want. The follow up will involve listening and compromise. Considering each others feelings and trying to meet each others needs will build a bond of trust and respect.

Lisa Strong

/0 Comments/by

Don’t Mess With Tradition

Screenshot 2015-11-17 09.52.02

Holidays like Easter which was just last week can bring memories of family gatherings, traditions and celebration. Each family has their own unique family rituals and traditions which you may or may not look forward to. For a child growing up they come to expect certain things on these special days. Easter for my family was hidden baskets and eggs, a special lunch including Jello eggs and extended family and friends stopping by. The children woke up excited and knowing what to expect.

When events are predictable and happen the same way each day or year then a child feels in control, secure, safe and less stress. They can prepare themselves for what is to come and this can be especially helpful for children who are highly sensitive, the structure offers them stability.

They look forward to what they know from past experience is coming. Even adults do not want to change from their traditions. When I tried to change the menu on Thanksgiving and make a mashed potato casserole instead of last minute making mashed potatoes, (I was trying to simplify my work load) this idea was met with resistance. “What no mashed potatoes?” I learned  not to mess with the tradition.

A child’s daily routine brings them stability. Children learn many things from these routines, such as how to take care of themselves. Having a morning and bedtime routine for example can teach a child how to dress themselves and good hygiene. However, the most important thing we all learn from regular routines is that life runs more smoothly if things are organized and predictable. Does your child have a bedtime routine? If you forget one of the steps, bedtime story, tucking in, or a glass of water you will hear about it from your child. Again, don’t mess with routine.

Your whole family can benefit from a structured routine. There will be less stress and drama if a child knows when he/she is expected to do homework or what time dinner is. In the routine each child can play a role. One child can set the table, another clears the table and rinses the dishes. Maybe Friday night is family movie night. Take turns picking the movie, have pizza, make popcorn and everyone is together and knows what to expect.

Knowing what to expect in our hectic lives  can provide structure and stability to a child. The structure improves efficiency and the family runs more smoothly. The benefit to the family and the child is a calmer child, clear expectations, less strife and family bonding.

Written by Lisa Strong

lisa2

/0 Comments/by

Go Deeper Not Wider

Screenshot 2015-11-17 09.52.02

We’re in a friendship crisis. Three quarters of Americans are not truly satisfied with their friendships. Paradoxically, in an age of Facebook and always-on connections, a growing body of research is proving what many of us already feel deep in our gut: we’re actually lonelier and more isolated than ever before.  How can this be?

Harvard psychology professor Daniel Gilbert says that the number one predictor of happiness is the strength of your bonds with your friends and family. It’s not about the number of people you associate with. It’s about the quality of those relationships.  But can you do both? Can you enjoy quality relationships with lots of people? The hard truth is no.  That’s why we need to go deeper, not wider.  It’s great to “know” a lot of people and to maintain a vibrant network.  Remember, however, that it’s not about how many people you know but more about the ones you are deeply bonded with.  And there doesn’t need to be that many!  Keep this in mind…

You might be a superhero (I like to think I am but others may disagree), however, in order to have deep friendships you have to let your Kryptonite flag fly to those who matter most.  Psychologist and relationship expert Beverley Fehr says that the primary hallmark of friendship is intimate self-disclosure—or showing vulnerability.  Showing vulnerability is how we get closer with people and requires gradually revealing more intimate information about ourselves. This gradual reveal helps increase trust, support and loyalty— therefore, going deeper, not wider.   

Written by Lisa Smith

SMFT Lisa #1 (1)
/0 Comments/by

Emotional Intimacy Within the Family

Lisa Smith is the expert guest on Answers for the Family.  She speaks on the importance of emotional intimacy within the family and how to cultivate it.

/0 Comments/by