How to Avoid Letting Jealousy Poison Your Relationship

Jealous behaviors such as asking to be in touch continually, requiring a detailed account of your partners day or suspecting the worst of your partner can poison your relationship. It establishes an environment of suspicion and insecurity which is the opposite of a healthy relationship which needs to be based on trust and respect. In this article I am going to make the assumption that your partner is not cheating on you or looking to replace you but they are feeling the effects of your jealousy.

First I want to define jealousy which at its core is a byproduct of fear, fear of not being good enough, fear of loss. It is the feeling that someone might try to take what is yours. For example, your husband becomes close friends with an attractive co-worker, and you may feel jealous of — and threatened by — their relationship.

This is not to be confused with envy which is not fear based but is a reaction to lacking something and wanting what someone else has. You might be envious of someone’s good looks, or their beautiful home, etc.

Having a fear based emotion continually raising its head in your relationship is going to cause you problems. If you are jealous you may be constantly looking for reassurance because you are afraid that you are going to be replaced. Or you may resort to trying to control your partner so that you can feel reassured by checking on them, calling often or demanding behaviors that they are not comfortable with. Any of these behaviors can be exhausting for your partner.

Jealousy is an emotion that could be connected to some or all of these feelings 1. Insecurity, 2. Fear of being replaced and rejected or 3. Low self-esteem

Healing starts with awareness. The stories you are telling yourself are not true. Examining the origin of your fears will bring healing. Did something happen in a past relationship or in your childhood? The fear of being replaced may come from a past experience but you are carrying it over to this one and you are going to sabotage it. Remind yourself that your partner choose you because of your positive qualities that they like. Your insecurity and low self-esteem are not qualities that promote respect and trust. 

You need to talk to your partner about your feelings in a way that is non-accusatory. It will be helpful if you can be honest with how you feel and take responsibility for those feelings. One suggestion is to work to establish a set of ground rules that can establish trust. For example each of you honoring your word, be home on time, explain what is happening if you are running late. I find that open relationships create an environment of trust. Both of you need to agree to the guidelines.

If you are in a committed relationship or marriage then you can be open with your phone, email or any social media. If you are not ready for this level of openness then you may not be “all in” and if that is the case then talk about it. But once you have established commitment it is best to be transparent. This is not the same as allowing someone to be controlling, there is a difference and each of us can have behavioral boundaries that make us comfortable and working together to agree on these requires respect and consideration.

Don’t let your jealous feeling control your behaviors. It will bring pain to your relationship and that is not fair to either of you. It takes practice and if you need help then give me a call at 562-260-4796. I would be happy to support you.

Written by Lisa Strong

/0 Comments/by

How to Teach Your Kids and Teens About Money

A new study published in the Journal of Family Issues asserts that when it comes to teaching your children about money, hands-on experience is key — even if those hands end up empty. In fact, one of the best things you can give your kids is the opportunity to screw up.

“It’s important for parents to give kids age-appropriate financial experiences,” the study’s author, University of Arizona doctoral student Ashley LeBaron, told the UA News. “Let them make mistakes so you can help them learn from them, and help them develop habits before they’re on their own, when the consequences are a lot bigger and they’re dealing with larger amounts of money.”

The study, entitled “Practice Makes Perfect: Experiential Learning as a Method of Financial Socialization,” says that it’s not enough to explain good financial management to your children and set a good example, they need to get their hands dirty. 

“We should be teaching our kids about money,” says Miata Edoga, Founder and President of the Los Angeles-based financial education company Abundance Bound.  “But the answer isn’t simply adding a few hours of a class in school. The answer is actual practice.”
 
What that practice would look like depends on the age of the child and the family’s financial situation, but some possibilities include giving them a regular allowance, rewarding achievements like good grades or paying them for certain chores over and above their regular responsibilities. (Side note: every child and teen should have tasks required of them daily that contribute to the household and family unit that do not get rewarded with money.  This teaches that they are required to contribute to the bigger unit without regards only to themselves.)  What’s important is that there’s a plan in place that both parent and child are clear about.

“I think it’s essential that kids have an agreement with their parents about what they are required to pay for from their own money,” says Edoga, who also recommends that children have a bank account and an ATM card by high school. “With my teenage daughter, she knows what the things are that she’s expected to pay for from money that she has earned so if she runs out and there’s something that she wants, then we discuss ways that she can earn the money that she needs. But to simply give it to her is creating that illusion that there will always be a safety net.”

Because in the real world, of course, there isn’t.  Stop being the safety net!  

In her experience Edoga has observed that millennials are often better savers than Gen-Xers and Boomers because they know that they are entering a work force that is much more transient and uncertain than the one their parents experienced. “Millennials are not likely to finish school and then step into a 40-year job with security and a pension, no matter what field they choose,” she says. “So, because our children are likely going to have to piece together their careers, our responsibility as parents is even greater to help them develop into powerful financial thinkers.”

Without freaking them out, of course. “We don’t want our kids to be afraid of spending, be afraid of managing credit,” she cautions. “We want them to feel confidant in their ability to negotiate successful financial lives, to come at money from a place of power, rather than fear.”

And like most things that are worthwhile in life, that comes down to one simple thing: practice practice practice. “We wouldn’t just give our kids a book and a lecture on driving a car and then expect them to get behind the wheel and actually be safe and know what they’re doing,” Edoga reasons. “It’s the same thing with money.”

I understand that this sounds simple but it’s not easy.  I am always here to help.  Don’t hesitate to reach out if you have questions!  Give us a call at (562) 537-2947.  

Written by Lisa Smith

/0 Comments/by

If Your Partner Says There’s a Problem, What Should You Do?

If your partner comes to you with a problem or concern about the relationship, how do you respond? Maybe they are unhappy with you or something you are doing. Does it make you feel under pressure, defensive or frustrated. You can respond in many ways, some more productive than others. The typical fight, flight or freeze response can be seen in relationships but are not healthy choices. If your partner has a problem and wants to discuss it with you they would hope that you would listen to their concern and work with them to find a solution but that is not always the case.

The fight response results in anger, arguments and hurt feelings. This breaks down the emotional connection and the ability to be honest and vulnerable in the relationship. When your partner shares their concern they don’t want to then have to deal with you becoming angry and fighting with them. This only increases your stress level.

The flight response results in a feeling of abandonment. If when your partner shares their concern, you leave the room or slams the door and walks away tyou might feel safe because you have avoided the stress but they feel alone with their problem with no partner to stand with them and solve it together. 

The freeze response usually results in frustration. Again they share their concern which causes stress in you because you don’t want to hear that they are unhappy with you or something that you have done. You  may feel attacked and you don’t know how to respond so you just freeze or listen quietly, maybe even agreeing but in the long run nothing changes. There is not action taken. The problem remains which is frustrating.

There needs to be freedom and safety in your relationship to share a concern. One of the basic relationship needs is compassion which means that if your partner has a problem then you need to be concerned and want to help them. When they share their concern they want to know that you are listening, that you understand and that you are not being judgmental or dismissive. At his moment it is not about you, try to think of how they are feeling and how you can help. 

I know that this is not easy, your own insecurities surface, you want to defend your behavior but dismissing their concern and focusing on your own defense or stress level will not solve the problem. Try not to see it as a battle which involves you on one side and your partner on the other. Instead look at it as both of you on the same side, standing together to battle the thing that is causing the stress. You are united, working together to build a relationship that works for each of you. 

Communicating your concerns in a safe environment, listening to each other and avoiding the fight, flight or freeze response will build a healthy foundation for each of you. It takes practice and if you need help then give me a call at 562-260-4796. I would be happy to support you.

Written by Lisa Strong

/0 Comments/by